Struck Down

I had just been giving some thought, just this past week, that I have not had a cold in a long time!  My wife had one. Most of my friends--every single Yea Hoo at work; but not me!  I was going to miss Cold Season!  JUST A MINUTE THERE BUCKO!  God will strike you down when you think like that!  He will infect your body with a runny nose and a sore throat, before you can say Jack Robinson!  (Who was Jack Robinson and why would you say his name?)

Why does God do this.  Isn't God a nice guy?  First thing is humility.  God wants you to be humble.  Nothing is more humbling than using a super size box of tissues in two days!  Nothing shoots you down like a pair of runny bloodshot eyes and a voice than sounds like a cast member from the Night of The Living Dead.  Next, God is into economic development.  Yes!  God has his own little "Stimulus Package!"  The cold remedy business is a multi-million--HOLD IT THERE BUCKO, multi-billion dollar a year business!

Let's look at the Cold & Flu Remedy business.  It use to be you could have Mom's Chicken Soup, a Hot Toddy and throw back a couple of Smith Brother's cough drops for good measure.  Now there is a whole cadre of medical miracles as close as your nearest 7-11 or super market.  Look at the Quils alone!  Nyquil!  Now the guy that came up with the Nyquil brand is a friggen genius. Ny?  What the hell is Ny? Latin noct-, nox, Greek nykt-, nyx -- Thank you Merriam Webster!  You are going to be up all night--can't sleep with the snot running out of your nose. Ok, that takes care of Ny.  Quil?  Again, thanks MW!  2 a (1) : the hollow horny shaft of a feather —  (2) :  especially : one of the large stiff feathers of the wing or tail. This is really very simple when you think about it. You are getting the shaft and someone can knock you over with a feather!  Nyquil has pseudoephedrine in it.  Basically pseudoephedrine can suck your sinuses dry -- or you can make your own Meth; if you really want to get jacked up!  STOP THE PRESSES BUCKO!  NYQUIL MY ASS!  How about DAYQUIL?  The Proctor and Gamble/Vicks copy-writer, that thought of the Nyquil name, was up all night doing Meth, when he thought of Dayquil!  Vicks just doubled their market.  Nyquil has Doxylamine succinate in it, an antihistamine; that's the Ny!  It makes you tired at Ny/night.  Dayquil leaves the antihistamine out.  This is good because if you are heavy equipment operator, dozing off on you Bull Dozer for a moment, could spell the end to an entire neighborhood!  When the Proctor and Gamble/Vicks copy-writer gets out of rehab for his Meth addiction, he will likely think about doing Noonquil, Twilightquil and even Fullmoonquil!

First thing tomorrow morning -- yipes IT IS tomorrow morning, I am going to Safeway and get, Nyquil, Dayquil, tissues, hand sanitizer wipes, Halls Mento-FuckingLiptus lozenges, Musinex, Ricola Super Alpine Horn cough drops, OJ, an anti-oxidant tea, something for lunch, a People magazine (need to see what's up with the Royal Family) and a dozen navel oranges.

Wish me well, with the help of God, doing my part to end the recession.