I'm Having an Affair!

I'm Having an Affair! Yes, it is true, there is someone else after 24 years of marriage.  I am in love with my new iPhone.

Sure you say, "Dennis it is only a cell phone, get over it!"  "Only a cell phone, are you nuts?" This thing will do everything but rub your back, and they are working on that.

I had an iPhone 3 a couple of years back.  I lost it while hiking in the Sangre De Cristo wilderness area in Southern Colorado.  There is now likely a brown bear using it's GPS to find his cave!  I wanted to get a replacement for it, however AT&T wanted full price--600 Bucks!  So I waited until my contract was up and now have the iPhone4 for a measly 299 Bucks + tax.

Smart phones have Apps (Applications) that can do most anything.  Any entrepreneur with half a programming brain can develop and sell an App, to you, with Apple's approval--App, Apple, cute huh?

The iPhone comes standard with many Apps.  It has the Stock Market App; the Weather App; there is a You Tube App-- wouldn't want to miss the latest gone viral video now; a Web Browser and so forth.  Now if that doesn't suit your APPetite, you may download some 350,000 other Apps for your needs.  They can be free, many are $.99 to $1.99; some can hit 40 Bucks for a brand name GPS.

I have a Dictionary App, voice actuated no less; I have a radio App that receives nearly every radio station in the country; I have a police and fire scanner App so I can keep tabs on my tax dollars at work; I have a little level to I can check to see if my picture frames are hanging straight; there is a flight tracker App so I can see what time your plane will arrive; there is a cute little alarm clock App with a Zen approved chime to gently wake you at some God awful hour!  Geez--it just goes on and on!  I am getting heart palpitations just thinking about all these Apps!

I shall now take my iPhone and my Labrador Retriever for a walk.  I will not get lost as my GPS has my home location programmed in it, to be found a the touch of an App button.  Should I wish to stop for a Latte' there is a part of the GPS that shows the nearest coffee shops.  I never knew how many caffeinated beverages were being served within a stones through of my home.  Should you want to find me--download the App that tracks the location of someone else's cell phone!

Stop The Obsession!

Never in the history of our culture have we been more worried about what we consume than we do now.  "Is it organic, is it natural, low fat--high fiber;" and on and on.  This is the real kicker!  We as a nation have never been more out of shape and obese than we are at the present time. 

I was born in 1946.  I look at the family album and see nothing but lean folks before 1950.  The crazy thing is, they didn't worry about food like we do now.  When I was a kid, there was always an old coffee can full of bacon grease on the top of the stove .  Everything was fried. You ate meat three times a day, or something was wrong with you.

So what has happened?  Is it sitting in front of your TV or computer, never getting any exercise, or have  portion sizes gone through the roof? 

I say worry less about what you eat.  Eat a bit less, move a lot more and don't buy into everything you see or hear on TV, the Internet or what your best friend's advise du jour might be.

What Are You Eating and Drinking?

My youngest daughter Ashley and I have a Friday evening tradition.  I am not sure when it started, I call her at 5 or 6 in the late afternoon, I try to guess what she might be eating or drinking.  I think it started when she was off to college and I knew that she might be indulging in some pretty wild concoctions. I might say "I bet you are drinking a 40 ounce malt liquor and eating a quarter pounder with cheese."  With her diet and life style this would never be a combination that she would try.  Another guess might be "--a nice Cab with brie cheese and a baguette."  Last week Ashley said "she was eating an organic apple and drinking a glass of water."  I replied "where did I go wrong?  How did I raise you?"

What happened to my Fig Newtons?

An email to my Daughters regarding the diminished size of Fig Newtons

Hi Kiddos:
It is 3 am.  Par for the course I just woke up, wide awake in the
middle of the night, unable to sleep.  I just had a glass of milk and
five Fig Newtons.  What has happened with the size of Fig Newtons?  I
swear they are one third to one half the size they were several years
ago!
This is very sneaky.  So many products keep the same price but the
product shrinks in size.  THIS IS UN-AMERICAN!  Fig Newtons use to
come in two wrapped bold and plump stacks in each package. Now they
are in some goofy resealable little pack.  I ate several hundred of
these weird little cookies on my four hundred plus miles while doing the 2003
Ride The Rockies bike ride.  I may be getting old but I can tell these
cookies are smaller than they use to be.  Were can I go with this?  I
started a Tweet a couple of weeks ago.  Lots of comments on the
Newtons, but nothing regarding their size.  Should I call Nabisco, the
EPA, FDA, Homeland Security or the IRS?  This SO WRONG!  I think
Nabisco figured they could pull this off without anyone taking notice.
 The diversion is different Newton products.  First they offered Low
Fat Fig Newtons.  Those tasted like dried moose turds; NO THANK YOU!
Now there are all of these other Newtons:  Strawberry, Cherry,
Raspberry and God knows what else.  I think the Tea Party may jump on
this one!  "Sarah Palin can not see a Newton from her front porch!"
Later girls.  I will search with all the search engines--I will get to
the bottom on this.  Only intense Post Packaging Therapy will get me
through this one.
Love you,
Dad

Kraft Food's response to my letter, inquiring about the size reduction of Newtons:

Dear Dennis,

Thanks for taking the time to let us know about your recent experience with Fig NEWTONS Fruit Chewy Cookies.  There is nothing more important to us than giving you, and every one of our consumers, high-quality products.

For that reason, we were sorry to hear that your purchase did not meet your expectations.  Please know that we will do everything we can to help ensure your satisfaction in the future.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.  It's feedback like yours that we use to continually improve the products we offer.  I am enclosing reimbursement for Fig NEWTONS Fruit Chewy Cookies and hope that your next experience will be a good one.

Sincerely,

Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

Vegas Toothbrush Attack - From September 2010

Shopping for a new toothbrush this past Christmas holiday season was not with the normal joy associated with the time of year.  It was a needed purchase.  My toothbrush was ragged.  The worn bent bristles would have never met the approval of my Dental Hygienist’s critical inspection; should she have been given the opportunity.

Our neighborhood Safeway Super Market offered hundreds of choices for a new brush.  Every size, color and firmness where on display, arranged on an eye level shelf that must have been twenty feet in length!

Wow there is was!  A little beauty with a larger than normal grip, perfect for my XL size hands; I made my selection from the many.  That night I brushed with the toothpaste foam barely covering my happy grin!  I loved the ample handle and I gave the “old choppers” an extra stroke or two!

A week of brushing went by went suddenly my new brush went “click” and started vibrating!  The damn thing was a self contained electric toothbrush. I never read the label when I bought it; I can’t see a thing without my classes on.  There is was, a little switch recessed in the handle that turned it off and on.  It runs off of a AAA battery.  That is why the handle was so large—for the battery and little motor.

Several months passed and the vibrating little marvel was wearing out.  Back to Safeway I marched with great confidence, right up to the toothbrush display.  Still sans reading glasses I found the same brush and took it home, knowing in fact it was a vibrating, battery powered electric toothbrush! 

What a shock I had that evening. After wetting the bristles, applying the paste, I pushed the little recessed switch to fire up the brush and heard a racket like a conveyor belt in a canning factory!  This little honey didn’t vibrate, it spun!  There it was, right in the middle of the brush head, spinning like crazy, as little circular clump of bristles. This felt fine, but the noise, it was awful.  The old brush had hum, it was like a bed time lullaby.  This, with its little internal motor and drive shaft, could wake the dead!

None the less I learned to love the new devise.  My teeth always sparkled as if I just left my Dentist’s office after a semi-annual cleaning.

My wife and I along with the spinning little marvel went from Denver to Las Vegas on a recent weekend.  After a long day of people watching and losing money it was time to call it a night.  Looking forward to a familiar “spin brush job,” I gave my teeth an extra good cleaning.  Ready to rinse my mouth out I pushed the little switch to turn the brush off.  AAAGGGHHH!  What is going on, I thought. The switch felt weird in a puffy sort of way.  The brush would shut off!  Something happened with the altitude change from Denver and switch was “toast!” I tried everything I could think of but the switch would not work.  I put the brush in an empty class, and figured the battery would wear down in a few hours.  The glass made it only sound louder!  I tried to take it apart.  Nothing comes apart!  It is sealed up forever!

I wrapped the spinning little monster in a hand towel and went to bed.  I could not sleep. “What if the towel catches on fire” were my thoughts.  “Fire?”  No way, I will try to drown it!  Filling the sink with water I immersed the little bastard under several inches of water.  Louder than ever now, with the water amplifying the little drive shaft sound, I had to conjure up another plan.

I hung have the toothbrush off of the bathroom counter and to tried to break it in two.  It would not break!  It was indestructible.  This is in thanks to space age plastics!  I now have a self contained, spinning, bullet proof devise that is going to keep me up all night.

My wife Susan suggests a plan to throw it in the hotel trash!  Now that is genius I think.  I put the obstinate, grinding, spinning, life of its own little “son of bitch” in a plastic bag and walk around the hotel has looking for a trash can.  The only one I could find was a combo ash tray, trash can.  I slipped it in when no one was looking! By now it is on its way the landfill still grinding away.  I keep checking the news for a Las Vegas landfill fire, with the arson investigator finding my finger prints on the rather large handle!

Don't waste the toothpaste

A year ago Christmas I had purchased a 6 oz. tube of Colgate Triple Action, Double Whitening, Fluoride Power Bump toothpaste.  By the first of April we had used 4.5 ounces.  Did we discard the tube?  No!  I took a pair of fine needle nose pliers and rolled out another ounce.  Down to 1/2 an ounce did we throw out the tube?  No!  I took a 12 pound sledge hammer and put the tube on an anvil.  As I smacked the B-Jesus out of the tube, my wife stood by with a catchers mitt lined with Saran Wrap, as 3/8 of an ounce whizzed through the air, across the garage, My sweet wife leaped up and caught the little wad before it hit the ceiling!  Did we then pitch the last remaining 1/8 ounce, NO!  We took it to a machine shop and they put the tube into a 40 Ton Wilton hydraulic press, the kind the use for stamping automobile fender and body panels. As the press lowered on to the the paper thin mangled tube, the last bit exploded across the machine shop -- and as luck would have landed in the mouth of a rather burly man, just as he was yawning!  OH MY GOOD he bellowed, this is great, I just finished my lunch and I was on my way to the bathroom to brush me teeth!

Struck Down

I had just been giving some thought, just this past week, that I have not had a cold in a long time!  My wife had one. Most of my friends--every single Yea Hoo at work; but not me!  I was going to miss Cold Season!  JUST A MINUTE THERE BUCKO!  God will strike you down when you think like that!  He will infect your body with a runny nose and a sore throat, before you can say Jack Robinson!  (Who was Jack Robinson and why would you say his name?)

Why does God do this.  Isn't God a nice guy?  First thing is humility.  God wants you to be humble.  Nothing is more humbling than using a super size box of tissues in two days!  Nothing shoots you down like a pair of runny bloodshot eyes and a voice than sounds like a cast member from the Night of The Living Dead.  Next, God is into economic development.  Yes!  God has his own little "Stimulus Package!"  The cold remedy business is a multi-million--HOLD IT THERE BUCKO, multi-billion dollar a year business!

Let's look at the Cold & Flu Remedy business.  It use to be you could have Mom's Chicken Soup, a Hot Toddy and throw back a couple of Smith Brother's cough drops for good measure.  Now there is a whole cadre of medical miracles as close as your nearest 7-11 or super market.  Look at the Quils alone!  Nyquil!  Now the guy that came up with the Nyquil brand is a friggen genius. Ny?  What the hell is Ny? Latin noct-, nox, Greek nykt-, nyx -- Thank you Merriam Webster!  You are going to be up all night--can't sleep with the snot running out of your nose. Ok, that takes care of Ny.  Quil?  Again, thanks MW!  2 a (1) : the hollow horny shaft of a feather —  (2) :  especially : one of the large stiff feathers of the wing or tail. This is really very simple when you think about it. You are getting the shaft and someone can knock you over with a feather!  Nyquil has pseudoephedrine in it.  Basically pseudoephedrine can suck your sinuses dry -- or you can make your own Meth; if you really want to get jacked up!  STOP THE PRESSES BUCKO!  NYQUIL MY ASS!  How about DAYQUIL?  The Proctor and Gamble/Vicks copy-writer, that thought of the Nyquil name, was up all night doing Meth, when he thought of Dayquil!  Vicks just doubled their market.  Nyquil has Doxylamine succinate in it, an antihistamine; that's the Ny!  It makes you tired at Ny/night.  Dayquil leaves the antihistamine out.  This is good because if you are heavy equipment operator, dozing off on you Bull Dozer for a moment, could spell the end to an entire neighborhood!  When the Proctor and Gamble/Vicks copy-writer gets out of rehab for his Meth addiction, he will likely think about doing Noonquil, Twilightquil and even Fullmoonquil!

First thing tomorrow morning -- yipes IT IS tomorrow morning, I am going to Safeway and get, Nyquil, Dayquil, tissues, hand sanitizer wipes, Halls Mento-FuckingLiptus lozenges, Musinex, Ricola Super Alpine Horn cough drops, OJ, an anti-oxidant tea, something for lunch, a People magazine (need to see what's up with the Royal Family) and a dozen navel oranges.

Wish me well, with the help of God, doing my part to end the recession.